


Santa isn't Actually Real

by NoBrandHero



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Pre-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 13:06:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2851760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoBrandHero/pseuds/NoBrandHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John discovers that Santa Claus has never visited Jade's island for whatever reason, which is absolutely unacceptable and a slap in the face of holiday tradition. While a trip to the North Pole to give Santa a piece of his mind is out of the question, John can at least try to provide Jade with a decent substitute to a strange man leaving her presents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Santa isn't Actually Real

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 17:03 --

GT: happy twelfth birthday, jade!   
GG: thank you! :D   
GT: did you get my thoughtful ecard?   
GG: i did!   
GG: i really liked all the cartoon puppies and the catchy song :)   
GT: i drew those puppies just for you. i thought you would like them, because you like your dog and also other animals but dogs especially.   
GG: aw <3   
GG: they were great! thanks so much john!   
GT: hey, i would always draw cute animals for my best friends!   
GT: did the others send you cool stuff too?   
GG: yes! rose wrote me a story! i will ask her if i can show it to you later it is really great   
GG: and dave made me a fun drawing that he mailed to me even though i could have printed it out myself   
GG: but he wanted to autograph it for me heheheh :)   
GT: haha, that dork. his autograph is never going to be worth shit.   
GG: it is still a nice thought   
GT: yes, we can give him credit for trying. he wanted to give you something nice and valuable and it is not his fault he cannot grasp how useless it actually is.   
GG: shhhhh i appreciate it so it is not useless at all <3   
GT: i guess.   
GT: maybe next year i will try to get you all something nice in the mail too instead of making digital crap.   
GG: that could be fun!   
GT: yeah, especially since you will be able to unwrap it properly, instead of downloading it. downloads are way less suspenseful than wrapping paper!   
GG: thats a good point   
GG: i hope rose and dave like what i made them for their birthdays   
GT: i'm sure they will. you are thoughtful and stuff.   
GT: man, you guys are so lucky though.   
GT: i have to wait a whole four months for my birthday!   
GT: but you're barely done ripping the wrapping paper off your birthday loot before santa's there to drop off your next batch of presents!   
GG: thats not actually true   
GG: i have to make all the holiday plans with bec so i dont often bother with presents for myself   
GT: whoa, that's not how it's supposed to work! santa gives you shit no matter what you plan with your dog! unless you're naughty, which i don't believe for one fucking minute you are.   
GG: um   
GG: i dont believe hes real is he?   
GT: what??? who told you that baloney!   
GG: well dave said no one over the age of eight should still believe in santa claus   
GG: sooo i assumed he is just a fun childhood imaginary tradition that i missed out on   
GT: oh my god, seriously? that is crossing a LINE, strider!   
GT: it is bad enough he laughs at me for it, but now he is trying to rope you into his no-fun, irony-only christmas time celebrations!   
GT: all because he just doesn't want to admit that he's never experienced the true magic of christmas, since his stupidass bro chases santa off with a katana every year.   
GG: he does???   
GT: i am one hundred and five percent positive that is what happens.   
GT: dave's bro is on the naughty list every year, but santa still tries to come through for dave because santa is a nice old man and knows it is not dave's fault that his brother is a weird white guy who is a pornlord and writes dumb raps.   
GT: but santa is still on a schedule so there is only so long he can afford to battle uncomfortable puppets before he must give up on delivering dave's presents.   
GG: poor dave!!   
GT: well, he is not that pitiable. he has a fucking xbox even without santa's help, jade.   
GT: and it is not right that he tries to ruin our belief in santa just because his dumbass bro ruined things for him.   
GG: well...... it is not like i was only basing my beliefs on what dave told me   
GG: rose does not believe in santa either   
GT: pffffff what is with all of you?   
GT: i mean i guess it makes sense that rose of all people would be skeptical because she is just like that and also her mom buys her everything so santa doesn't even NEED to stop by.   
GT: but it's still sad and i cannot BELIEVE she'd try to spoil this for you!   
GG: to be honest john i never really believed in him in the first place!   
GG: he sounds pretty impossible if you sit down and do the math   
GG: plus he never stopped here   
GT: D:   
GT: you NEVER got presents from santa claus?   
GG: hmm... maybe when i was reeeeally little? but i cant remember for sure :\ they might have just been from grandpa   
GT: shit, i bet santa never realized your island exists! he's got like ten years' backlog of gifts that he doesn't even know where to deliver!   
GT: did you ever write him?   
GG: noooo....?   
GT: hmm, that might do it.   
GT: don't worry, jade! i'll make sure he knows this year!   
GG: uhhh o__o; thats ok john ive not minded at all that he missed me these past few years   
GG: really!   
GG: thank you though <3   
GT: it is not ok! dave is already missing out and there's nothing i can do about that, but i will not have TWO of my best friends get passed over on christmas!   
GT: i'm on this, jade! you'll get cool presents this year!

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 18:22 --

John closed Pesterchum before tearing out of his room and down the stairs to his father's study. He just about slammed into his father as they met in the doorway, only catching his balance because his dad was quick to grab his shoulder.

"Hey Dad, can I use some of your good paper?" John said, leaning to peer around his dad into the room. He was fairly sure there was a pack of fancy printer paper on the desk in there somewhere. "I need to write a letter to Santa!"

His dad raised an eyebrow. "It's a couple weeks early for that, isn't it, son?" He kept his hand on John's shoulder and steered him back into the living room.

"But it's an emergency!" John glanced over his shoulder at the study that was growing farther and farther out of reach. "He misplaced Jade on his list and apparently never knew where she lived!"

"He's never been to her house?" his father said, pausing mid-step.

John shook his head. "Not even once! I guess he didn't realize it exists, since it's way out in the middle of nowhere!"

His dad frowned and sat on the couch, patting the cushion next to him. "What are her parents like?"

"She has a dog. And a grandpa who I don't know much about." John flopped onto the empty side of the couch. "But he sounds really strict!"

His dad's mouth twisted as if he'd tasted something sour. "Well, son," he sighed, "I hate to say it, but it's possible Santa already knows and just can't make a detour that far for one child. If he did, he might not have time to make it to the more populated regions."

"But that's stupid!" John said, gaping in horror. Wasn't Santa supposed to be able to reach every household through magic or some shit?

"It's not terribly fair, no." His dad patted John's head. "But unfortunately, life is not equally kind to every child." He held his chin in a hand. "If you think her grandfather won't mind, we could put something together for her instead and help Santa pick up the slack."

John perked up. "Really?"

His dad held up a finger. " _If_ it won't get her in trouble with her grandfather."

"Psh, why would he mind that?" John said, waving him off.

"He might be a little defensive about Christmas if Santa's never visited before, that's all." His dad stood and gave John's shoulder a nudge. "I needed to stop at Target today anyway. Go get your coat on and you can come pick some things out for your friend."

John grinned. "Thanks, Dad!" He bolted for the closet to pull on his winter coat and boots. Target wasn't the fanciest place to look for Christmas presents, but at least it was pretty normal compared to his dad's other haunts. He could probably find something Jade would like there.

His confidence plummeted once they reached the store and headed straight for the toy section at the back of the building. John had never set foot in the Pink Aisle before. He'd dared to peek down it a few times, but only when he was certain no one was looking. He swallowed. It was just a color. It couldn't hurt him and its weird association with girls was just a cultural thing, he was pretty sure.

It still made him shudder as he stepped past the invisible threshold into the sparkly, pastel-covered aisle, his father following behind with a bright red cart.

Girl stuff in such a heavy abundance was terrifying, John decided immediately. Rose was a girl who liked pretty pastels and she was still cool, but _this_ was simply too much. The aisle was crammed with pretend makeup, clothes too small to fit anyone except Barbie, and dolls. So many dolls. John did not think he'd ever seen so many dolls in his life.

How was he even supposed to know which kind of doll was the right one for Jade when there were so damn many to choose from? He picked up the nearest Barbie and wondered how it was different from any of the other dozen Barbies hanging above it. He set it back, making a face.

"Everything all right, John?" his father asked, not seeming at all uncomfortable in such unfamiliar territory.

John's shoulders drooped. "I don't really know much about girl toys or which kind of doll or pink horse that Jade would want."

His dad nodded slowly, gazing around. "You know, just because Jade's a girl doesn't necessarily mean she'll want a Barbie or a My Little Pony. What are her interests?"

"Oh, animals and robots and nuclear physics."

His dad went still, as if he was especially intent on studying one of the baby dolls. "In that case," he said, speaking slowly, "if you still want to get her a doll, you might see if they have any dressed up like scientists."

John let out a relieved sigh. Sometimes his father really was kind of smart. "That's a good idea!"

"Then maybe we should swing by the stuffed animal aisle instead of here?"

John nodded, scanning for a Barbie marked with any kind of science-y title so he could throw it into the cart and abscond from the overwhelming, corporate version of femininity. He knew a lot more about stuffed animals than he did about brand name dolls anyway.

His dad let him pick out a handful of cute animals from a much safer aisle. John favored dogs but also threw in a lion and a single blue Squiddle he found tucked behind a display of Pokemon plushes. After that, the trip was as boring and unpleasant as most outings with his father as he picked up a new tie, shaving cream, and an emergency cake mix.

John supposed he had to pay for Jade's loot _somehow_. So be it if it involved another round of standing around and sighing loudly as his father looked between three different brands of floss. As they swung by the registers, his dad threw in two boxes of peppermint candy canes -- one for them and one to send to Jade -- almost as a little reminder of why the trip was worth it.

John dug the candy canes out of the plastic bags as soon as they hit the road, offering one to his father, who waved it off, before unwrapping it for himself instead. It was barely even December, but the taste immediately brought back memories of Christmas lights and eggnog and winter break. He couldn't wait for Jade to share in it.

His dad cleared his throat as they stopped at a traffic light infamous for its long reds. "I should probably come clean, son," he said, only taking his eyes off the road for split seconds, even at a stand still. "Santa Claus isn't _actually_ real. I'm the one who's been hiding presents under the tree every year. You were having so much fun with it that I didn't want to spoil it by telling you sooner, but now that you're a man who's played the role of Santa once yourself and can enjoy the spirit of Christmas on a more mature level, I think you're ready to hear that truth."

John narrowed his eyes, considering his father for a long moment as he smacked his lips against the candy cane. "Dad, sometimes your pranks are so lame." He sighed and shook his head. "Santa's not real," he repeated with an eyeroll. "Man, you think I'll believe anything."

* * *

Bec barked and Jade glanced away from her computer. Bec never barked for no reason, even if that reason was "feed me" or "throw me a ball," but she'd given him more than his fair share of treats and attention that day, given that it was Christmas, so it was a little worrisome that he still wanted her attention.

He sat next to the stairs with a large package in front of him. He barked again and she got to her feet, wandering over. As soon as she confirmed that her name was written on the box and that he had not stolen a stranger's mail again, she gave him a pat on the head for being such a good doggie that brought the mail even on a day that most postal workers were not on duty. His reward secured, he teleported away as she knelt to examine the box.

The return address was from John, which was odd. He hadn't warned her that he was sending her a letter, let alone a big package! It was pretty funny timing that Bec got it to her on the twenty-fifth, whatever it was.

She wrenched the tape off the top and pulled the flaps open to find a sheet of paper on top.

merry christmas, jade!

that's probably a belated or early christmas, i'm not sure which, but i figure there's no way this'll get delivered on christmas itself. that's okay though. you deserve to open your package whenever it gets there, even if it is a week early!

since you never got any presents from santa, my dad and i decided to get you some instead, because you are cool and should get fun surprise presents sometimes. i hope you like them. oh, and my dad baked a bunch of cookies and shit for you. they are very good, even if they are made from the bake mix of my mortal enemy betty crocker.

don't tell dave or rose about this, though, 'cos they get plenty of shit on christmas already without my help. this was just a special thing for you because i want you to have a happy holiday!

john (ghostyTrickster)

Jade couldn't help but beam as she read the letter. She hadn't been expecting or even hoping for any of her friends to put something nice together for her, but it was so, so, so sweet of John to do so anyway. She didn't even care what was in the rest of the box when the letter and sentiment were so nice on their own.

She took a peek anyway.

At the top was a long pink box containing a very skinny, very blonde doll dressed in what the box claimed was "computer engineer" attire. She wasn't sure why anyone would need special clothes to look like a computer engineer, but she appreciated the thought.

She clapped with excitement as she unearthed a pile of stuffed animals beneath the Barbie. She got right to work setting them up along her bed and integrating the new Squiddle with her other squid friends. She hadn't even realized they still made Squiddles merchandise! Maybe John had found it used somewhere. The new blue Squiddle got right along with her purple one, tangling up together as if they were long lost friends. Maybe they were long lost friends! She'd have to remember that.

She returned to the box. A layer of tupperware lined the bottom, absolutely brimming with cookies, brownies, and cupcakes when she lifted the lids.

John was right; his dad's baking was _really_ yummy. She didn't see why he complained about having it all the time! Though after the third cookie, she decided to save them for later, because they really were quite sweet and she wasn't used to that much sugar. Maybe later she'd share a few with Bec too -- at least the ones without chocolate.

She made sure to reseal the tupperware containers so she they'd stay fresh for dessert later that evening. She hadn't been planning on making anything special, but now she was feeling festive. She might put together one of her favorites, just because it _was_ Christmas, even if that didn't usually affect her life that much one way or the other.

She got back to her computer. Dave was the only friend online, which was pretty normal for Christmas as Rose and John were celebrating the holiday with their parents. She opened a chat window with John's offline chumhandle all the same.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 13:42 --

GG: hi john!!!   
GG: youre probably with your dad right now but i just wanted to say thanks and let you know asap that i got your package :D   
GG: it was very thoughtful of you and i love it   
GG: tell your dad thank you as well :)   
GG: merry christmas!!!!! <3 <3 <3

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 13:44 --

Bec ate the computer engineer Barbie within a week. There was only so much Jade could bring herself to scold him.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays


End file.
